Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
