You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
