I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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