My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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