READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
