When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
