I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
