My friends, they love my intelligence
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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