How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
