Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
