No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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