We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
