After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
