I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
