i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
