She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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