Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
