My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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