If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's shark week go big or go home
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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