I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
