fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
