a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
