FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
