i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
