First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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