Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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