Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
