I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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