my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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