You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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