He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
