my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
