i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
