I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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