All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
