Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
