These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
