Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
