Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
