I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
