Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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