You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
