I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
