It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I want a musical about memes.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
