Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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