Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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