Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
