happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
