Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
