Can i not drive my cunt home
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
